I took a train trip this weekend since I live in one of the most beautiful states in the country, California. People pay tons of money to visit here and I am just a train ride away from some of the most traveled places: Los Angeles, San Diego and every city in between. I love to take advantage of a staycation every once in a while. My destination this weekend was Santa Barbara. I’m so glad I took a train so I could relax, reflect and meditate on what my future holds.
My view on the train is spectacular as I get to see the Pacific ocean for most of the trip. The ocean is my solitude, my go to space, my peace and my love. As I gaze at the ocean and all of its glory, I realize that sometimes the beauty of the ocean on the outside may not match the chaotic activity on the inside. It reflects me at this moment. Meaning, as beautiful as my outside world looks in this moment, my inside world is torn apart. What happened?
I hop on the train to come home and want to sit in a seat closest to the ocean so I can meditate and sort through some of the thoughts in my mind. Unbeknownst to me, I chose a seat that is facing the opposite direction from the way the train is moving. I’m looking outside at the ocean and see that Santa Barbara is getting smaller and disappearing in the distance and the memories of my weekend are growing. Tears gleam down my face as I realize that this scene is a lot like how I am feeling now. As I gaze in the distance, I see the past behind me and it is a comfortable place to live…if I want to wallow in self-pity and destruction in my mind. I manage to squeak out a laugh at the duality of this picture.
I am living in the past in my head to find the answers to “what happened” at the same time trying to rewire my mind to look towards the future for hope and it is challenging. Life throws us curve balls all the time and this one was a real doozy. It’s OK as I know that my problem is the “no” that will move me closer to the “yes” that I am dreaming of, wanting, tasting, and truly believe can happen to me.
Most of you know that I am now writing my second book to be revealed at a later date. It is about gaps and patterns in our relationships and the healing that can come from it to get us into a better space in our heads. Can you chose love over the battle of negativity in your head so that you can learn from, love from and be ok with yourself so you show up the next time even stronger than you were before? I personally can’t fight it anymore. It is too exhausting so I just CHOSE LOVE. I am in so much pain but I know when love does not work out, YOU can only be the change YOU want to see. This book is the most profound work I have done so far and the impact has been beyond the reaction I could possibly imagine. As I am currently writing it, I am currently living it. SO you will get to read “what happened” as soon as the book is revealed. I’ll keep you posted but in the meantime, love more to live more…